1. The little wooden box you gave me, so small it could fit in a preschooler's pocket, but you said it was bigger on the inside and could hold all your kisses. I'm sorry if it smells bad, I kept it with me and I think the kisses expired. Were those meant to be refrigerated? Because clearly I am not cool enough for you.
2. This is a bag filled with dust that gathered on top of the two letters you sent me. I ended up collecting a lot because no new letters ever arrived to displace it, and if you open that bag you'll catch the scent of staleness, like something that has been waiting for anything.
3. This is a box filled with all my gift ideas. If you move aside those flowers you can look on the bottom for the ones I put a lot of thought into. I had us planned straight through valentines day. Actually wait... maybe I'll hold on to these and distribute them to our mutual friends because part of me still thinks you deserve nice things.
4. Here is a thimble. I filled it with all my anger packed it in tight and now I wont have to yell at you. I wont have to scream you how unfair it is to treat someone this way. Keep your thumb over that one real tight, otherwise some unorthodox language might leak out and offend passersby.
5. Here are the transcripts from every conversation I had with cousins, aunt, uncles, telling them how great you were, how happy we were and how sometime soon you'd come back east and meet all of them.
6. Here is the bottle of shame from having to go back to those cousins, aunts and uncles and explain that maybe we werent as happy as I had thought, yea you were pretty great but no you're not coming back east anytime soon. I know it looks like an empty whiskey bottle filled with vinegar and rubbing alcohol, but hey I'm a cheapskate. I use the materials that surround me, and I'm not going to a store to by a bottle that will cork nicely and sit on a shelf, because this is not fermented embarrassment that I will hold on to for years until I pull it from an emotional cellar one day and say "man 2013, that was a good vintage, a good year for looking like a fool." This is gas station shame, 200 proof that I will throw back at a party and make some bad decisions with.
7. Now this one is squirmy so hold on to it really tight, it's all of our nicknames, inside jokes and secrets. I kept them. Even though a small part of me wanted to release them into the wild, and by the wild I mean facebook, I decided that I'm better than that. I can be better than that.
8. These are all my questions, they're mostly why's, "why did you do it?" "why did you do it over the phone?", "why did you do it over the phone at midnight?" "why didn't I see this coming?" "why couldn't you wait and make eye contact with me?" A few 'Whats' "What were you thinking?" "What could I have done?" "What should I have thought?" "What will happen next?" some whens: "When will this stop hurting?" "When will I be able to look at you without the coal in my stomach heating up?" "Since when is ok to treat someone this way?" "when will I be alright?" there are two 'wheres' "Where were you when you decided i wasn't good enough for you?" And "where will hide now?" oh I didnt even notice all these 'hows' "how could you?""HOW COULD YOU?" "how...could you?" oh wait no there arent that many, just that same one in different sizes. Finally, and I dont want to admit I have been asking this because I like to think I know you better...but there's one who. "Who is he, and is he bigger than me? cause I could probably totally kick his ass!"
9. This is a bookshelf. It has a dictionary, a thesaurus, a set of encyclopedias anthologies of poetry by Neruda, By frost, By Atwood, by every slam poet I asked you to watch with me while I said things like "THAT RIGHT THERE IS HOW I FEEL AND IT IS NOT RIGHT OR WRONG IT JUST IS!" There is a set of Shakespearean tragedies for perspective on bad relationships, there is a lecture my dad gave me on the weight of words, and somewhere in this mix there is a manual on how to hug just tight enough. I want you go through that shelf slowly. Go through it all. Because we threw "I love you" around and I'm not sure you get the concept and that is not your fault, there is a learning curve.
10. Finally, here is a plastic smile. I have one just like it and when we're in public we can wear them and match. No one will have to no how I'm dying inside. You might not need this, you have a pretty good one you used with me.
2. This is a bag filled with dust that gathered on top of the two letters you sent me. I ended up collecting a lot because no new letters ever arrived to displace it, and if you open that bag you'll catch the scent of staleness, like something that has been waiting for anything.
3. This is a box filled with all my gift ideas. If you move aside those flowers you can look on the bottom for the ones I put a lot of thought into. I had us planned straight through valentines day. Actually wait... maybe I'll hold on to these and distribute them to our mutual friends because part of me still thinks you deserve nice things.
4. Here is a thimble. I filled it with all my anger packed it in tight and now I wont have to yell at you. I wont have to scream you how unfair it is to treat someone this way. Keep your thumb over that one real tight, otherwise some unorthodox language might leak out and offend passersby.
5. Here are the transcripts from every conversation I had with cousins, aunt, uncles, telling them how great you were, how happy we were and how sometime soon you'd come back east and meet all of them.
6. Here is the bottle of shame from having to go back to those cousins, aunts and uncles and explain that maybe we werent as happy as I had thought, yea you were pretty great but no you're not coming back east anytime soon. I know it looks like an empty whiskey bottle filled with vinegar and rubbing alcohol, but hey I'm a cheapskate. I use the materials that surround me, and I'm not going to a store to by a bottle that will cork nicely and sit on a shelf, because this is not fermented embarrassment that I will hold on to for years until I pull it from an emotional cellar one day and say "man 2013, that was a good vintage, a good year for looking like a fool." This is gas station shame, 200 proof that I will throw back at a party and make some bad decisions with.
7. Now this one is squirmy so hold on to it really tight, it's all of our nicknames, inside jokes and secrets. I kept them. Even though a small part of me wanted to release them into the wild, and by the wild I mean facebook, I decided that I'm better than that. I can be better than that.
8. These are all my questions, they're mostly why's, "why did you do it?" "why did you do it over the phone?", "why did you do it over the phone at midnight?" "why didn't I see this coming?" "why couldn't you wait and make eye contact with me?" A few 'Whats' "What were you thinking?" "What could I have done?" "What should I have thought?" "What will happen next?" some whens: "When will this stop hurting?" "When will I be able to look at you without the coal in my stomach heating up?" "Since when is ok to treat someone this way?" "when will I be alright?" there are two 'wheres' "Where were you when you decided i wasn't good enough for you?" And "where will hide now?" oh I didnt even notice all these 'hows' "how could you?""HOW COULD YOU?" "how...could you?" oh wait no there arent that many, just that same one in different sizes. Finally, and I dont want to admit I have been asking this because I like to think I know you better...but there's one who. "Who is he, and is he bigger than me? cause I could probably totally kick his ass!"
9. This is a bookshelf. It has a dictionary, a thesaurus, a set of encyclopedias anthologies of poetry by Neruda, By frost, By Atwood, by every slam poet I asked you to watch with me while I said things like "THAT RIGHT THERE IS HOW I FEEL AND IT IS NOT RIGHT OR WRONG IT JUST IS!" There is a set of Shakespearean tragedies for perspective on bad relationships, there is a lecture my dad gave me on the weight of words, and somewhere in this mix there is a manual on how to hug just tight enough. I want you go through that shelf slowly. Go through it all. Because we threw "I love you" around and I'm not sure you get the concept and that is not your fault, there is a learning curve.
10. Finally, here is a plastic smile. I have one just like it and when we're in public we can wear them and match. No one will have to no how I'm dying inside. You might not need this, you have a pretty good one you used with me.
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