Friday, November 20, 2015

Task Manager

With the emergence of the personal computer,
many of us have forgotten our savior,
the task manager. 
Three quick buttons to open up a program,
that shows you everything your computer is doing,
the things that are responding and those that arent,
and you are given the option 
to end the tasks.
End those parts that arent working right now
End those parts so that others can still function,
It was a fairly useful thing. 
Leaps in technology mean that nowadays it is fairly rare for your page to freeze
and if it does freeze, 
Google Chrome will kindly offer to kill it for you.
The following pages are unresponsive:
The lesson today
The notes you should be taking
The test in front of you
would you like to kill these pages?
No Google I cant kill the lesson,
I cannot kill the classes I am in
I cannot kill the way the color of the sky is particularly blue today,
I cannot kill the way that tree outside looks really good for climbing
I cannot kill the red jelly bean that somehow made its way to the middle of the freaking carpet.
I mean I guess I could go pick it up. 
but that might disrupt class.
Shit class, are we still taking an exam?

Some days I wish I had a task manager.
Some days I wish I could control alter and delete my disorder,
Some days I fantasize about having a brain that isnt made from loose yarn, and bad ideas
Some days I would trade every creative bone in my body to just sit through a class.
Some days I wish my mind would calm down
Some nights I wish sleep came easily
Sounds like insomnia,
Some nights I wish I could worry about one thing and not everything,
Sounds like anxiety,
Some nights I wish I could simply sit,
Without being besieged by a thousand obligations
Sounds like OCD
Sounds like things a lot worse than ADD
The disorder we made up to excuse bad behavior
See I have been called everything from sped to stupid
And while I know next to nothing about brain chemistry
I know the inside of my own skull well enough 
to see loose wiring and insufficient insulation
And sometimes the wires connect,
and a bunch of buzzfeed articles will tell you,
that the ADD brain is uniquely creative,
Sounds almost sincere,
just like every professor who said,
You're brain isn't quite right
Have you tried adderall
Have you tried adderall 
Have you tried adderall
Fine.
I'll try it.
Throw back a little bit of self control,
Swallow small blue responsibility,
and wait...
Pages loading...
Pages loading...
The page "personality" is unresponsive,
The page "friendly" is unresponsive
The page "extrovert"is unresponsive 
Would you like to kill these pages?
Too late you already have. 



Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Notes for When My Child Falls in Love

1. Do not be afraid, this is going to be freaking awesome.
2. It's ok to be afraid, there will be times when this seems like anything but awesome.
3. I guess what I am saying is don't be worried about the aches in your chest and tears in your eyes, they are a beauty that humanity has been obsessed with for centuries. We might even figure out what it all means eventually, but probably not.
4. The first time you chip off a piece of your heart to give away, the person you give it to might not understand what they are holding onto, give that piece anyways and dont even worry about it, I will have packed pieces of my heart in your backpack, your lunch box and eyes so that you are never running low.
5. When you do meet that person that makes your heart speed up, your hands sweat, and your tongue twist itself into a pretzel of all of the things you want to say, some of the things you should say and a whole lotta nonsense, you will be overwhelmed and that's fine, let yourself get lost in the feeling like a wave crashing over you, let it carry you safely to shore, let it pull you out to sea, you are in the midst of something irresistible, and sometimes it is nice to be carried.
6. For the record, should you be pulled under the water, should your lungs become flooded and the light start to fade, I will be standing there, I will pull you up to oxygen and safety, to sunlight and stability, but if you are anything like me you will immediately plunge yourself into the ocean again because that is the type of person that our family produces.
7. When it all goes to shit, which happens with surprising frequency I will be there for caloric therapy, and romantic comedies and books and poetry and all of the coping mechanisms that I have used, and you will probably want to sulk and be alone and that's cool too, but dont be surprised when every meal we have is based around comfort food.
8. Should I find out that you have been anything less than careful and considerate with someone else's heart, I will teach you a lesson you never forget, opening up the boxes of damaged pieces of my heart that will have probably collected dust in the attic. I will show you the bruises and breaks that accrue over time, and dont always stop hurting, you will watch your father cry and you will know that you have got to be careful with things that are precious.
9. Don't forget that you are precious, that you are to be handled with care, that you are chaos and cosmos, that no one but you will ever get to decide your limits, that your hand could snatch stars from the sky and fix them to your ears that you might hear the songs the universe is playing, that your eyes will run clear like a river and that your soul is unblemished by malice and beloved by a God who gave you to me with a complete list of all of the ingredients she included, and instructions to light a fire in your chest to share with the world.
10. the first time you decide to write a love poem, promise me you'll show it to me first so that I can tell God you caught the fire she requested and that you are ready to share the world. 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Matriarch

My mother is a tree with roots, branches and leaves.
My mother's roots break concrete and dig deep into our city,
they find life water past the sewers,
Yea, my mother finds love,
 and goes through a lot of shit to do so.
My mother's roots are as Irish as potatoes and whiskey,
as Irish as wooden spoon swords and oat meal,
as Irish as fire and poetry,
and she fed me through those roots.
My mother's roots raised me not to lift hands in anger,
My mother's roots love the earth that surrounds them,
My mother's roots weather storms and cataclysms,
My mother's roots are stubborn,
My mother's roots do not give up,
My mother's roots find hope in the darkness.

My mother is a tree with roots, branches and leaves.
My mother's branches reach out into the sky,
seeking to catch falling angels before they hit the ground.
My mother's branches spread out to entangle other trees,
creating cradles in the forest.
My mothers branches dip low,
almost touching the ground,
so that they might be climbed by kids searching for heaven.
My mother's branches are shelter from the summer,
My mother's branches are worship and prayer,
My mother's branches protect me,
My mothers branches are a home when I dont deserve one,
My mother's branches do not accept excuses,
My mother's branches are strong enough to hold up a world.
My mother's branches never forget, but always forgive.

My mother is a tree with roots, branches and leaves.
My mother's leaves do not fall, they float.
The orange touch of autumn is not feared or loathed
See my mother teaches her leaves that for everything there is a season,
but in that admission she sees no reason
to ever accept anything less than justice and love,
My mother loves her leaves like they will never leave her,
My mother's leaves will eventually leave her
My mother's leaves will never be left by her,
My mother's leaves are lifted to be fed by sunshine and freedom,
My mother's leaves catch the wind at just the right angle,
so that they might hear it whisper of beauty and change,
My mother's leaves are unlike that of any other tree,
My mother's leaves love the ground beneath them,
as if from the moment they first tasted air,
they knew that the world was limited and precious,
as if they had been taught about grace and hope and courage,
as if they had grown on a tree,
that loved unconditionally.